How to Win Friends and Influence People

By Dale Carnegie –

p. XIX “Compared to what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.” William James

p. XIX “Education is the ability to meet life’s situations.” John G. Hibben

p. 6 “By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes.”

p. 8 “Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home.”

p. 17 “To know all is to forgive all.”

**p. 18 “The deepest urge in human nature is ‘the desire to be important.’” John Dewey

p. 21 “If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.”

p. 27 “There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.” Alfred Lunt

p. 29 “Flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and it will eventually get you into trouble.”

p. 29 “Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.”

p. 29 “We usually spend about 95% of our time thinking about ourselves.”

**p. 30 “One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation.”

p. 31 “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” R.W. Emerson

p. 33 “Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.”

p. 34 “The only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants.”

p. 37 “If there is any one secret of success it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” Henry Ford

p. 47 “First arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.” Harry Overstreet

p. 50 “Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.” William Winter

Fundamental techniques in handling people

  1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. p. 17
  2. Give honest and sincere appreciation. p. 31
  3. Arouse in the other person an eager want. p. 50

p. 54 “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

p. 55 “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”

**p. 59 “To be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for any person to possess.”

p. 60 “If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.”

p. 61 “If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.”

p. 64 “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” Publilius Syrus

p. 67 “There’s far more information in a smile than a frown.”

p. 68 “People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it.” (author’s observation)

p. 71 “Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.”

**p. 71 “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abe Lincoln

p. 82 “One of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will is by remembering names and making people feel important.”

p. 85 “Genuinely listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.”

p. 94 “The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”

Six ways to make people like you

  1. Become genuinely interested in other people. p. 65
  2. Smile. p. 74
  3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. p. 83
  4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. p. 93
  5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. p. 98
  6. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely. p. 111

p. 118 “If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will. Ben Franklin

p. 120 “Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love,” (Buddha) and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s view point.

How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument: p. 120-121

  • Welcome the disagreement.
  • Distrust your first instinctive impression.
  • Control your temper.
  • Listen first.
  • Look for areas of agreement.
  • Be honest.
  • Genuinely promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully.
  • Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.
  • Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

p. 124 “If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it.”

**p. 124 “You cannot teach a man anything ; you can only help him to find it within himself.” Galileo

p. 125 “You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong.”

p. 126 “Few people are logical.”

p. 127 “The little word ‘my’ is the most important one in human affairs, and to properly reckon with it is the beginning of wisdom.” James Harvey Robinson

p. 139 “Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes, but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exaltation to admit one’s mistakes.”

**p. 142 “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”

p. 145 “If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are a sincere friend.” Abe Lincoln

p. 156 “It doesn’t pay to argue.”

p. 157 “He who treads softly goes far.”

p. 176 “You deserve very little credit for being what you are.” (open for discussion)

p. 197 “The way to get things done is to stimulate competition.” Charles Schwab

p. 197 “All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.” Ancient Greek

Winning people to your way of thinking

  1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. p. 122
  2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say ‘You’re wrong.” p. 134
  3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. p. 142
  4. Begin in a friendly way. p. 151
  5. Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately. p. 157
  6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. p. 163
  7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. p. 169
  8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. p. 175
  9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. p. 184
  10. Appeal to the nobler motives. p. 190
  11. Dramatize your ideas. p. 195
  12. Throw down a challenge. p. 199

p. 205 “It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.”

**p. 226 “I have no right to do or say anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

p. 234 “If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.”

To change attitudes or behavior: p. 246

  • Be sincere.
  • Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
  • Be empathetic.
  • Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
  • Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
  • When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

Be a leader

  1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. p. 210
  2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. p. 214
  3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. p. 219
  4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. p. 222
  5. Let the other person save face. p. 226
  6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’ p. 232
  7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. p. 237
  8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. p. 242
  9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. p. 247